the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
