In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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