Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
