Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
