So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
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