Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
