I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
