i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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