One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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