KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
