Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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