I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
