I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
