There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?