i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.