I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
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You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
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If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.