Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?