he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Who died my cat blue again?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
