Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
