imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
