Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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