He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
