So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
