Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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