so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
