I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
