Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
