I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
