my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
