connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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