Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize