A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
