I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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