watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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