Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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