i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
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while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
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I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
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