I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
