she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
