Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
