when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
