I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
