I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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