I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
