there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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