I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
