Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
