You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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