the condom got lost in my hair
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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