then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
