she kept yelling 'call me bella'
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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