our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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