i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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