The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
