I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
