there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
