Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
