I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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