In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
